Welcome to My Hell on Earth

Hello Blog, what's happenin'? If I survive the present combination of bad things, then it's the Lord's will. I am really hurting inside. I just returned from Florida and things remain about the same. My step-Dad's brain is really failing him. He's fighting sleeplessness and constant delusions and confusion. But, a good night's sleep makes him whole once again. I really can't predict how long this will continue on but I do know my health is suffering from the constant worry about should I step in and exercise my medical surrogate duties and get him into a full-time care facility. God it's hard. He's perfectly fine one evening and the next morning he doesn't really know who he is or where he's at, let alone what day it is.
My battle with the effects of simvastatins continues. I can't run with out my chest feeling like someone is stepping on it. I stopped taking the drugs 9 days ago and things are better. But, to be safe, I am taking a cardiac stress test next Wednesday. Being self-insured it's going to break me financially, but at least I'll know if I have some heart blockages. I don't think so. But it's better broke and safe then flush and dead due to heart attack. What a trip home from Florida. Sat next to the most open lady I've met in a long time. We talked about life and it's challenges. Both of us have our issues but we both have Faith. Things will work out for the best for both of us. I came home to complete emotional devestation. Patrick, my son, has failed out of the University of Iowa with a B, two C-'s and an F. He's presently in denial but intuitively I know he's out. What a change it is going to cause. He's struggling with the reality and so am I. I love him with all my heart but now is the time to foster independence and responsibility. It's my failure as well as his. I just could not instill a work ethic or a academic discipline in him that would allow him to be successful. Now, he has to face the music. Unfortunately, he has to grow up a little sooner than what is normal. We will work through this together but he is an adult and I will treat him as such. Lauren is still unemployed but working hard on finding the right thing. I pray for her to be happy and focused. I am just so discouraged and broken-hearted right now I could drink myself asleep. But I won't. I'll run tomorrow and I'll be with friends. Things will work out, give it time. God, please help me, I really hurt right now. Life's a bitch then we die. Words, that's all it is. Too Blessed to be Stressed. Fact, that's what it is. Your choice, Ricky, make the right one! Over and Out, Ricky.

Moderately Scared

Hello, my friend the Blog. It's been several weeks and the big picture has changed very little. My step-dad continues to deteriorate mentally and is now calling me regularly to complain that he's being held hostage in his own home. These calls are taking a toll on me for sure. My weight and my blood pressure are at levels never seen before. I try to think myself through this dilemma but no clear answers emerge. It's getting to the point where I almost want to desert my responsibilities and say to hell with it. But I can't and I know I can't. Prayer is the only avenue of escape. And running. Speaking of running, I'm killing myself doing that as well. Since going on simvastatins for cholesterol my pace has seriously diminished to a run/walk level of 14 minute miles. I just can't keep running for more that 6 or 8 minutes before my chest is so tight it scares the hell out of me. I've been good lately trying to make running a priority but my weight at 220 and my aching chest has even made that escape a painful alternative. And, of course, financial collapse looms even closer than before. I'm just about out of resources and it troubles me greatly to consider the alternatives. So I guess what I'm saying right now is I'm moderately scared for what the future holds. My health and my finances are not so good and the future looks even worse. So what is a man to do? Run and Pray, pray and run and cling to friends and kick the cats. Tomorrow will be better.
Thanks, my friend the Blog, for the release. Over, Ricky.